Sheer joy of parenting

 What the writer and his wife love about being parents is that their children have enhanced their lives in so many ways

To the writer and his wife, parenthood is their greatest achievement although they have experienced difficult trials along the way.

FINANCIAL reasons is the normal excuse given by some who are not willing to have children. This is shocking.

Sure, having kids will affect our budget but that should not be the reason for not having children, or at least one child. To those who do not want to have children, I have reasons to change your mind.

When my wife, who was then earning as much as I did, decided to forego her job as a bank officer and concentrate on being a mother, it was our decision to prioritise our children’s upbringing rather than focus on our financial standing. We knew then that we really had to tighten our belts, but with careful planning, we survived.

Nothing else can produce the joy that parenthood offers. I can’t imagine going through life without feeling that spectrum of emotions. Feeling it all, good and bad, gives our lives as a married couple more purpose and challenges.

There is the pure joy of just watching our children be kids and reliving all those first moments when they discover how to do things on their own. Their smiles, giggles and pride in new accomplishments, even though some may be mischief in nature, were a sheer pleasure to watch.

As the sole income earner in the family, I could have had the worst day at work, but to come home and listen to our children, discuss their day with my wife, or to overhear them giggle while playing or watching television makes the worst day disappear.

I was 33 when I had my first kid. Though my first child wasn’t born normal, having children was such a life-altering experience. My wife and I were always looking for a purpose in our lives and when we had our children, we found it.

We love being parents. Seeing them do well in their studies and behaviour-wise, we know we are doing right thus far. That doesn’t mean we don’t have our share of mistakes but we are better persons for knowing our children and are very honoured to be their parents.

My wife and I love being parents because of the hugs, giggles and grins. When our kids are happy, so are we. As they grew, they amazed us every day with their new words, behaviour and discoveries. They have taught us to be more patient, more loving and much more appreciative of every moment we have together as a family.

Parenthood is a joy. Even while experiencing the hardest trials of our lives, we have learned to rise to all occasions. We’ve found ourselves lifted to new heights while stretching ourselves beyond our limits once we put it upon ourselves to guide them. With rarely a dull moment, we’ve experienced more adventures from parenting our children than we ever imagined.

Parenthood is our life, our passion and our greatest achievement. We also love watching our kids evolve into empathetic, kind human beings who can think for themselves, like spending their money thriftily and being involved in various school activities. You don’t realise the progress until far down the road but the wait is so worthwhile.

We don’t deny that parenthood is a hectic life filled with schedules, diaper changes, feedings, spendings and much more. There are so many things we love about being parents, but the one that stops us dead in our tracks is when each of our children turn to us and say, “Ayah Mi” (referring to me) and “Mak” (referring to my wife).

We love the fact that when our children were growing up to be adults, we were beside them every step of the way, teaching, helping, moulding and loving them.

Life may be great for those who do not want to have children but life will be even better once they have been blessed to become parents.

What we love about being parents is that our children have enhanced our lives in so many ways. We are a better husband, a better wife, better employees, neighbours, relatives and friends. We would rather have our worst days with our kids than to have our best days without them.

By DR ARZMI YAACOB

Why do some youngers resort to extreme violence?

Child serial killers”, “Kids murdering their parents” – these are the headlines we are increasingly seeing in the news.

Last month, a 19-year-old Japanese teenager allegedly killed and dismembered his mother because he did not like her apparently, and also because he wanted to know more about dissection.

It’s shocking that a teen who is still considered a minor under Japanese law would resort to murder for something as mundane as “not liking his mum”. I’m sure we have all disliked our parents at some point of our lives but letting that be the reason to do away with someone who gave birth to you in cold blood is absurd.

Two other recent cases of alleged parental murder and harm were sparked by computer use and gaming.

The first, reported in China Daily (chinadaily.com.cn), happened in Ziyang, Sichuan province. The 14-year-old boy is said to have mixed farm chemicals into the family’s cooking oil, which led to his parents, elder brother and sister-in-law suffering stomach problems and vomiting. The boy later confessed to his crime and said he was upset over his mother banning him from playing computer games.

Another 18-year-old boy – from Yuen Long village in Hong Kong – was arrested on suspicion of stabbing his father to death and wounding his mother. According to a source at the scene, a fight had broken out when his father tried to stop him from playing video games.

Why has it become so “normal” for teens to solve problems with violence?

In New Mexico in the United States, 15-year-old Nehemiah Griego allegedly shot his parents and three younger siblings in January. The incident left the public wondering how a sweet, home-schooled teen described as a doting older brother – who has no history of violence or anti-social behaviour – could commit such an act.

According to a New York Daily News report (nydailynews.com), Griego appeared “unemotional” when confessing to the murders but turned animated when discussing his favourite violent video games.

Could it be, then, that overexposure to blatant violence in the video games caused him to “go rogue” and violently kill his family?

It’s not unreasonable to assume that repeated exposure to violence on television and in games might have an impact on youth development. It is true that exposure to violent media results in desensitisation to violence. Furthermore, media violence rarely shows the consequences of violence.

However, the media-violence link isn’t as simple as a headline would have us believe. The teens’ personality is a major factor in determining whether screen aggression will lead to aggression in the real world. A recent article in the Review Of General Psychology journal asserts that exposure to violent media has a much greater impact on those who are more emotionally reactive and less agreeable, careful and disciplined than their peers.

In addition, teens who are isolated and have few connections to healthy adults and a lack of identity and purpose (what one of the researchers, J. Kevin Cameron, calls “empty vessels”) are at higher risk of identifying with perpetrators of violence in television and video games, and might therefore be more likely to engage in violent behaviour.

This conclusion seems more plausible than the notion that violent media invariably leads to an increase in violent behaviour.

Therefore, it makes sense to limit exposure to media violence, but it is not realistic to completely shield our teens from it. Parents should be aware of the TV programmes, movies and video games consumed by their teens. Talking to teens about the things that they see on the screen is also important.

However, I believe the bottom line is to build a strong relationship with our teens. It is this meaningful connection with our teens that will enable them to empathise with others and make sense of what they watch on screen.

If you notice your teens exhibiting signs of anti-social behaviour or a sudden change in their lifestyle and behavioural patterns, find a way to talk to them so it won’t reach a point where they just “snap”.

On the other hand, we, as parents, must recognise that we may not always have all the answers. Whenever we are in doubt, we should seek professional help, so that situations do not turn too “dangerous”.


TEENS & TWEENS
By CHARIS PATRICK

Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children. Email her at star2@thestar.com.my.

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